So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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