Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
