My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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