I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
