so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
