ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
