she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
