So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So much rum. So many feels.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
