problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
