He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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