My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
