I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
