You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
