My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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