Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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