Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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