it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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