Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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