i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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