I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
