I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
