where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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