I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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