I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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