My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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