I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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