I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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