Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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