remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
