For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
