So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
someone owes me an orgasm
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
