I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
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I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
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sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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