Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
