Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
