Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
