I'm going to jail i love you
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
