she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
