i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
