apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
