i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
