pop tarts are not kleenex
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
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In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
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Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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