please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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