So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
