I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
