This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
