he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
