Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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