Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
