All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
