Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
