im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
