Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
