I just pynch a tree in the face
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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