My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
