My liver just broke up with me...
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
tonight lets celebrate not being married
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
