im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
