"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
