It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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