I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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